Friday, 9 November 2007


Hi All,

Firstly, many thanks for your e-mails and supporting words. There is not much to report really......Nothing has happened since February, my husband was made redundant so he is concentrating his efforts on finding a new job and I am getting on with my job.......Another Xmas is coming up and I don't know what we are going to do. I will post an update if/when we know...

Tuesday, 13 February 2007

Here I start......

Here I start......After reading a lot of blogs, I decided to start my own. I don't know exactly what I want to write but I think I feel like if I write down how I feel, I might feel better about this whole strange experience me and my husband are about to embark on...

A little bit of background. My husband was born with undescended testicles, despite of having an operation at the age of 4, they remained undescended. In 2000, he had another operation to remove one of them as it was getting a bit painful when he run or exercised. We got married in 2002 and he told me before proposing to me that he was told at the age of 10 that he could not have any children due to the problems with his testicles. I love him so much and I didn't hesitate at all, as I thought it was 28 years ago when he was told that he could not biologically father a child. I thought to myself that the medicine is advanced enough and I was sure that we would somehow have a baby....

Last year we decided to start the process as my husband was 42 and I was 30. We went to see one of the best androurologists in the UK and after examining my husband's remaining testicle and genealogic tests; he decided that my husband should have a TESA operation to see if there are any sperm/sperm cells in the testicular tissue. He thinks it's a slim chance but we don't want to leave any stones unturned.

As I will have to be prepared for an IVF cycle, doctor also asked us about using a donor in case my husband has no sperm. Having been told at the age of 10, my husband had a long time to come to terms with it and feels very positive and relaxed about having a sperm donor. I, on the other hand find it very difficult to get my mind round using an anonymous donor.

With this in mind, my husband decided to approach to his 25 years old nephew (brother's son) who looks very much like my husband, only a bit taller. He was so positive and told us that he'd be more than happy to help as he loves his uncle very much. My husband and I were the happiest people on earth when he agreed to help us.

I don’t know how you feel or felt about using an anonymous donor but I am, by nature, a very curious person. I have my doubts, worries and fears about using "another" man's sperm and often get worried about how I would feel if got pregnant. I love my husband and I know I will think that he's the father of my baby but I think it's human nature that I cannot stop thinking whether I would be worried or too curious during my pregnancy about what the baby will look like, what does the donor look like or what sort of person he is personality wise. I know the baby is going to be mine biologically but would I have any doubts about bonding with the baby once it's born? I know I might be sounding too stupid or paranoid but me being me, the prospect of using my husband’s nephew who looks like my husband physically and personality wise such a lovely young man made me feel at ease if not happy.

I don’t know what it’s like in other countries but in the UK, if you’re using a known donor, once the blood tests are done and the semen sample is given, there is a 6 months quarantine period, after which they do one last blood test to make sure there are no diseases developed.

In June 2006, our donor has completed his tests and had given his semen sample for freezing. We were so excited about this that we couldn’t wait for 6 months to elapse.

In January 2007, we went to visit the androurologist once more to tell him that we’re almost ready. The clinic of course required our donor to go back for the blood test and my husband booked an appointment for his nephew in Feb (half term- the nephew is a teacher) he phoned him told him and agreed on the date beforehand. While we were waiting for the test date (Feb the 19th), we had a phone call from the nephew last Sunday. He simply told us that he changed his mind……..He said after thinking about it he decided that he couldn’t do this. I cannot tell you how I felt that moment when I came out of the kitchen and saw my husband on the phone collapsed on the sofa saying “ok, I will cancel your appointment”. I realised what was happening……..Even now while writing my hands are shaking so much and I feel so angry and hopeless, words cannot describe………..He said to my husband that he was worried that maybe in the future he would have to tell the child that his/her biological father is him. (by the way, we had discussed this all 8 months ago and he was ok with it all) My husband replied “I understand where you’re coming from but my position is so that I’d love to be in your position to be able to tell a child that I’m their biological father, so how can I put myself in your shoes…”

I went upstairs, bang the bedroom door so hard and collapsed on the bed and cried. I’ve never felt that sad in my life before…….I expected that my husband would come upstairs and say something but he didn’t……I went downstairs after a while to talk to him and find out more. He was there collapsed on the sofa with the phone in his hand staring into distance with sadness, trying not to cry…….He was in disbelief as much as I was……I cannot tell you how surreal it felt and it still feels……I still feel like we’re going to go ahead with the IVF cycle, on my egg collection day, my husband will have his operation and hopefully a miracle will happen and they will find something or if not, we’ll use the nephew’s sperm and we will have our beautiful baby……I still don’t want to believe that he HAS CHANGED HIS MIND!

I don’t know if you’re still reading or already got bored and moved on to another blog but if you are, thank you. Writing this makes me feel better perhaps………

My husband was so calm, he didn’t even blame him, he said we should understand, he’s a 26 years old young, single man and he’s entitled to change his mind. I was so angry; I started shouting at my husband “can we not trust anyone in your family!!! How can he do this to us, he was our only hope, he knew it and he agreed to this last year, you were so nice to him on the phone and understanding, why didn’t you say that he ruined our dreams!!!” I was grieving so much…… and being 43, my husband was definitely taking the news more maturely!

I called my sister straight away, crying and choking on the phone. She also told me that we’ve got to respect his decision and have empathy for him as it’s not an easy decision to become a sperm donor. I got angry with my sister too for defending him and almost saying that “people are entitled to change their mind……” My brother in law and my sister have a lovely daughter and they always offered help, meaning that my brother in law would be our donor but of course our choice was always the nephew to have my husband’s blood. Also we see the nephew maybe once or twice a year whereas with my sis and brother in law, we are so close, we go on holidays together etc therefore my husband does not want to have him as a donor.

Where do we go from here??? I cannot digest the possibility of having an anonymous donor and thinking to myself all my life, “what did he look like, what sort of a person was he? “and my husband does not want my brother in law’s sperm….

He said shall we adopt? I was so furious, I said, “why, there’s nothing wrong with me, I’m a 30 years old healthy woman, how can you deny me having a baby of my own, experiencing pregnancy and giving birth???” I was screaming…….He was so calm and said “ok, I’m the faulty one, do you want to leave me, find someone else and have a baby then” I got more furious, I said “Don’t be silly calling yourself “faulty”, you’re not and no I don’t want to leave you, I love you, I knew before marrying you that you may not be able to have children, I cannot imagine marrying someone else. I don’t want to say to you –ok, I knew the facts before marrying you but I HAVE CHANGED MY MIND, I’m divorcing you……….I cannot do that, I love you”. Besides I so blindly believe in faith, I think even if I could do that, I could find the “perfect” man to remarry and could have a child and the baby would be born disabled or something for what I did to my ex-husband, for leaving him because he was “faulty”…….(Oh, how minds work sometimes)

I know you might be laughing now but these were the exact thoughts running through my head……….

I could not stop crying since last Sunday, since we got the horrible news from the nephew. I was in Germany last week for two days visiting the Toy Fair on business, what an irony, huh? In my lonely German hotel room, in tears again, I decided that despite of my husband finding out and killing me, I wanted to send a text to the nephew to tell him how I exactly feel. I thought to myself, why not? He’s got to feel sad and know what he did to us……..I wrote the following to him:

“As much as I’m trying to understand and respect you, have empathy for you and not to be angry with you, I cannot tell you how upset & sad we are. You literally shattered all our dreams of having a baby and our 8 months of efforts has been wasted. More than myself, I’m so sad for your uncle; you gave your “beloved” uncle hope and took away his only chance of having a child of his own blood. Hope you thought about your decision and its effects carefully. All I can say is, I wish you were grown up before you gave us hope and I hope that you will learn that you cannot play with people’s lives like this. It wasn’t a game you could all of a sudden say “I don’t fancy playing anymore”. Your aunty-in-law. “

I cried and I cried and I’m still crying………….seems like no baby for us in 2007……….

When I share my fears of using an anonymous donor with my husband he goes “don’t be silly, why would you wonder what he looks like and what he is like, you’re not going to shag him” I keep trying to explain to him that of course I won’t shag him but I’m not doing this deliberately, I cannot help thinking that I would so much wonder what this person is like both physically and personally. Also I have this fear that if/when we tell the child that he/she was donor inseminated, I much prefer to say “yes, darling your biological father is A, rather than saying, “oh, we don’t know who is your biological father is darling, we got it from a bank” How impersonal that sounds for the child??? I’ve been searching for sperm banks in the US where they have the photos of the donors (couldn’t find any internet sperm banks in the UK and I don’t think it’s allowed here to publish the photos etc) My husband thinks it might be a good compromise so we will see but I feel so sad and down at the moment…………….